101 Famous (fictional) last words. Actually, they might be real. Someone might have said one of these right before he or she died. I just made them up though.
1)
Trust me, I got this.
2)
No soy Americano!
3)
Does it smell funny in here to you?
4)
Alright, I’ll do it one more time it’s starting to hurt
though…
5)
Get me out of this box!
6)
It’s a shortcut.
7)
I’ve done this a million times.
8)
So if I want to shoot it I just pull the-
9)
What’s up my niggas?
10)
Intensify forward firepower! Too late!!
11)
Oh no, the darkness feels so cold, so empty. Unhand me you demons! Ahhhhhkk!...
12)
I don’t know if this is a good idea guys…
13)
Somebody has to do something about this. Every town needs a hero. I guess today that hero is me.
14)
If my calculations are correct, we can avoid a horribly
painful death by detonating the explosives in precisely 5 seconds. Five, four,
three, two, one, now! Now
Craig! Hit the-
15)
There’s nothing dangerous about combining 10 gallons of
vinegar with 10 gallons of baking soda.
Here, I’ll show you…
16)
“Eternal happiness awaits you,” what a nice fortune
cookie. Oh my God is that a-
17)
Hey look at that, a full house! I guess today is just my lucky day.
18)
No, sit! Down
boy!
19)
Is it on? Make
sure you’re recording this Steve.
This is gonna be hilarious.
20)
“MMMBOP! MMMBOP!” I can’t get that fucking song out of my
head! Every day with the
“MMMBOP!” Where art thou precious
pistol? Thine bite is but a sweet
release from this endless torment.
21)
Come on, I’ll race ya!
22)
We can fit one more in there, no problem.
23)
18, 19, 20… draw!
24)
Go ahead, I dare you.
25)
Stop tickling me! Hahaha!! It hurts!! Hahaha! I CAN’T
BREATHE!!
26)
Honestly, what’s the worst that could happen?
27)
ALLAAHHH JIHAD!!!
28)
Chinchillas! Everywhere!
29)
Red wire, blue wire, red wire, blue wire… here goes nothing.
30)
Aww, it’s cute. Have a cracker little guy…
31)
Here, I’ll test the noose to see if it’s ready.
32)
Is this too much soap?
33)
When I get back I’ll tell you all about it.
34)
I don’t care anymore, I’m getting’ outa this prison
tonight. Even if it kills me!
35)
What are you gonna do, shoot me?
36)
Hey, aren’t you Richard Simmons?
37)
Alright kids, open up your purple “reading is fun” books to
page- oh God (huff huff) I’m having a heart attack…
38)
Electric fence my ass.
39)
Bet you I can hold me breath for ten minutes.
40)
Free pop rocks for a liter of Pepsi? What a deal!
41)
You guys havin’ some engine trouble? Hey, you’ve got some red stains on your back seats. What’s in that bag over there? Is that a body? Hey that looks like Senator Frank
Johnson’s body. Well I need to
report this. Can I borrow your
phone? I said phone not gun.
42)
Toasting this waffle while showering sure saves a lot of time
in the morning.
43)
Shaving my neck while doing my daily fitness routine sure
saves a lot time in the morning.
44)
Wait, you’re not supposed to actually swallow the sword?
45)
What kind of candy do you have in the back of that rickety old
van?
46)
I’m goin’ in.
Cover me!
47)
It’s so nice of the Nazis to let us take showers. It’s been a long time since they let us
clean ourselves up a bit. Wait a
minute…
48)
My own brother…
49)
Don’t worry there’s no way that would happen. The odds are a million to one.
50)
This next illusion is very dangerous. I will attempt to escape two straight
jackets while dangling over this pool of acid, suspended by a thin rope that is
hooked up to this timer and set to release in 30 seconds. Please do not try anything like this at
home; I am a trained professional.
51)
Don’t worry honey, this will be my last fight, I’m retiring.
52)
Please, no! You
want money? I got lots of money. I
can set you up for good. You name
the figure.
53)
Next time you guys see me you’ll be seeing the first man ever
to jump the Grand Canyon on a pogo stick.
54)
I’m so excited to be starting my first day at Chainsaw School!
55)
I don’t want to die!
I’m not ready! I’m only 36, it’s not my time!! Oh God no! NO! NOOOOOOOO!
56)
Aqua man, you can’t get married, you have gills, you’re from
two different worlds! Oh, I’ve wasted my life… (BOOM!)
57)
Fuck that, I’m not goin’ back to jail.
58)
Tiiiiiimberrrrrrrrr!
59)
I like it super rough.
So, no matter how much I’m weezing or begging you to stop don’t let up,
just keep choking me baby.
60)
What are you talking about man? Lions make great pets.
See look, I’ll take it off the leash…
61)
If I’m lying let God strike me down right here.
62)
So are you guys like the… nice kind of cannibals?
63)
Guys where are you going? We’re guards! 45 homicidal maniacs have just broken
out of their cells and it’s our job to stop them! Fine, run away, I’ll do it myself…
64)
Hello 911?
There’s a man in my house. He has a gun and he looks very
dangerous. I’m hiding under my bed
right now and he doesn’t know I’m here.
He’s walking over to me now.
He’s looking around the room.
He’s a big fat man with- uh oh I think he just heard me. Yep, he definitely heard me. He’s dragging me out from under the bed
now. Now he’s trying to take the
phone out of my hands... He smells
like tuna fish. OOF! He just punched me in the stomach... I’m gonna have to call you back…
65)
This is one small step for man, one giant leap for a MOON
MONSTER!
66)
I had a great time tonight Ron. Finally I, Nicole Brown Simpson, has found someone who truly
cares about her. Excuse me? Sorry Mr. Puerto Rican Man I don’t have
any change. As I was saying-
(slit)
67)
Woah man, it was a joke, chill out…
68)
Don’t worry, once we hit 88 miles per hour we’ll be sent back
to a time before the wall was built!
69)
You’re right, we can’t leave him behind…
70)
Hey everybody
look its mister I’m gonna bring a sawed-off shotgun to work and start shooting
a bunch of people. What a pathetic
cry for attention. You’re just as
pitiful now as you’ve ever been.
I’ve always said you were going nowhere. You make me sick.
71)
Guys I quit my job.
Starting tomorrow I’m gonna be one of those guys in the circus who takes
cannonballs to the chest.
72)
What was that?
Ah, whatever it was it’s gone now.
73)
If you want it you’ll have to pry it from my cold, dead
fingers.
74)
I can’t believe I ate the whole thing.
75)
Please God, I don’t ask you for much, but I need you right now. I’m at the end of my rope. Please, if you’re up there, if you’re
listening, give me some sort of sign.
Give me a reason not to do this.
76)
This here is the funnel-web spider. You’ve got to be very careful letting one of these crawl
around on your face. One bite from
this guy can kill a man in under fifteen minutes! If you look here, you’ll see that- AHH! Son of a bitch!
Neil, call an ambulance. Get an
ambulance here now Neil.
77)
Yes, don’t worry we’ve completely sedated the prisoner. Come inside the cell and have a look.
78)
How can you look me in the face and tell me you thought that
fortuneteller was legit? I’m not
going to get “hit by a bus” on my way to work this morning. I’ll see you tonight. Make sure dinner is ready. Bye bye, love you honey!
79)
Where’s my shrunken monkey head? Where is it!?!?
I only have thirty seconds to reverse the curse! WHAT? YOU THREW IT OUT??!!?!
80)
I have to do this.
The spaceman told me to…
81)
This is our last flare.
I hope to God that they see it…
82)
That star looks a little bright to me. My God, that’s not a star…
83)
(Huff huff) I think we lost him Bob. Bob? BOB!?!?!?
84)
“Expires June 1986…”
Eh, what the hell.
85)
Don’t worry its not loaded.
86)
“The Road of No Return.”
Alright Google Maps, if you insist…
87)
What a beautiful day.
The sun is illuminating the freshly blooming tulips one cosmic ray at a
time. A pair of lovely song birds
sits perched upon the highest branch of this oak tree, gracing the world with
such a lovely melody. Oh how the
soft wind comes swooping over the hills carrying thousands of tiny seeds into
the world to begin life anew… Too
bad I have AIDS.
88)
Hey uh, have you guys figured out a cure for brain cancer
yet? No? Alright then, just thought I’d ask, (sigh).
89)
Steve! Look, I
discovered some information about the government concerning 9/11. I think they might be on to me. I don’t know who to trust anymore. I can’t talk about this over the
phone. I’ll meet you tomorrow at 7
o’clock behind the Arby’s. Bye.
90)
Don’t shoot, you’ll blow the gas tanks!
91)
Ey yo, why y’all be wearin’ dem white hoodz ‘n shyt?
92)
Your majesty I assure you it is not heresy! I can prove that the Earth revolves
around the Sun by the fundamental principles of physics and with the basic laws
of nature.
93)
With my last breath of air I curse Zoidberg!
94)
Log entry: 3/14/10.
I have fixed a few minor bugs in the device. Chimpanzee subjects 1e and 1f have survived successful
teleportation with minor burns.
The machine is now fully prepared for human testing. The first subject will be myself and
testing will begin at precisely 4:30pm standard pacific time. We are on the brink of the greatest
discovery in the history of science.
95)
My great grandpa built this house with his bare hands. I’m not going anywhere. I’m going to wait this storm out just
like all the other ones.
96)
My seatbelt? I’ve
never worn that thing before and I’m not about to start now.
97)
I am 95 years old.
My body is withered and losing an impossible battle with cancer. I have one regret in this wonderful
long life I’ve been blessed with.
And that one regret is that… I never got to bang Kimmy Su. I’d give anything for a roll in the hay
with that oriental piece of ass.
If she was here right now I’d motorboat that shit until the cows came
home. She’d be all over me like
“oh, give me your enormous American penis.” And I’d be like “yea baby…” (*Cough*)
98)
You have a nice collection of guns Mr. Johnson. So what would you say is the best way
into your daughter’s pants? No,
no, the younger one.
99) Sorry about snitching
out Tony to the cops the other day.
We’re still friends right?
Ok good. So what’s this
“cool thing” out in the desert you wanted to show me?
100)
Honey! It’s not
what it looks like! I can
explain… Your sister and I were
helping clean up the kitchen to make it look nice for you when you came home. I know how hard you work and I wanted
to help out around here ‘cuz I know how much you’ve been nagging me to
lately. Anyway, I slipped and
spilled milk all over myself so I went into the bathroom to change. Then I heard your sister scream! I thought she might be in trouble so I
selflessly ran out here to help her, forgetting I was in the middle of changing
and was now completely naked. It
turns out the damn cat had chased a mouse into the house and the mouse had run
up your sister’s sleeve and had gotten caught on a loose string inside her
blouse! Any reasonable woman would
remove her shirt in this situation.
Also, the cat had scratched her inner thigh so she had taken off her
pants to see if she was bleeding.
It was the responsible thing to do, because everyone knows cat scratch
fever is terrible way to die. I
was changing when all this happened of course. When I came out of the bathroom we were both as shocked as
you are now to see each other naked.
It was actually rather embarrassing. You probably didn’t see it but there was this story on the
news the other day about a new disease that mice have been spreading recently.
I acted as quickly as I could and attempted to chase the mouse out the back
door, for everyone’s safety, but it had first ran around the couch and left
stains everywhere. Also, I had to
toss the pillows and cushions around on the couch in order to locate it. Heroically, I managed to chase it out
the back door and the cat ran out along with it. You showed up literally a split second after all the
commotion. Naturally all the
excitement gave me the massive erection you see right now… Baby… put the gun
down…
101)
This is going to be the most painful dump of my life…
